Oh the places you will go..

I know I have been a little MIA over the last year.. Especially the last two months.. I can’t believe how much has happened in just a short bit of time but let me tell you, it hasn’t been easy. Trigger Warning: This is a real, honest and raw post about loss.

The beginning of what I thought was going to be endless upsets started in December. I am hoping that writing this down will help me move on and refocus my energy.

On December 23rd, my Aunt passed away unexpectedly. It was unexpected and of course, untimely, being right before Christmas. But the timing didn’t matter, the hardest part was the fact that my Grandma (her mother), was here in Ohio visiting me from Louisiana. We were literally in the car driving to the airport for her to catch her flight home, when she got a text alert that my brother had dialed 911 (he lives with my Aunt and Grandma in Louisiana near my Dad).. Shortly after, my Dad’s number popped up on my phone, my heart sank and I answered.. He was crying and explained that she had passed. I opened my mouth to speak but I couldn’t get a word out, I handed my Grandma the phone and just broke down. “No, Oh God, NO, NO, NO, NO!” the words my Grandma screamed over and over again, the words that still echo in my head.. I can’t stop thinking about those minutes in the car between where I couldn’t figure out what to do, the uncertainty of it, and putting my Grandma on her flight to go home. I didn’t want to do it, I didn’t want to leave her, this broken shell of a person, all alone on a 2+ hour flight.. I fought my mind over and over, should I get a ticket and go with her? How could I with my two year old in the back seat? Should she miss her flight? I could drive her? WHAT GOD? What do I do?? I prayed. We sat on the phone with my family, praying that a miracle would happen and they would bring her back… My Grandma kept saying, “They can bring her back! She can come back”.. “Please GOD”… “Children aren’t supposed to go before their mothers!”… It was surreal, I have seen it in movies and TV shows, the upset of finding out one of your loved ones passed away. But to witness it in real life, it was life changing..  My Grandma, this kind, gentle, fragile, yet incredibly strong woman, broke in front of my eyes. We waited until there was no more question, she was gone.

I realized I needed to be strong and take the reigns. It took time to get us both to calm down but we decided the best thing would be to get her on her flight and get her home. She needed to get there as fast as she could, driving 20 hours, wasn’t the right way. It took all the strength in my body and soul to get myself to drive her to the departures. But I did it. My emotions were blank, I couldn’t figure out what to feel, was this even real? After I dropped her off at the airport I drove to a safe point and just shut down. I reassured my two year old in the back seat that everything was going to be fine.. but was it?

A series of unfortunate events started after this, a 20 hour drive, car battery died, toddler concussion, stomach virus, crazy emotions, hectic snow storm on the return 20 hour drive and it felt like it was never going to end. I couldn’t keep up with my work, my schedule, my days ran together. This lasted well over a month, I felt so defeated and so alone. My emotions were out of control and even now, I don’t feel like myself.

I find myself on a daily basis thinking about the events that happened over the last two months and telling myself that everything is going to be okay. It’s hard because I find myself questioning things I wouldn’t have questioned before all of this. I need to find a happy medium, somewhere between grief and happiness.

But how?

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